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Welcome
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DATING ADVICE: Don’t Settle for Less Than
You Want by Karen Jones
My single coaching clients often ask me what is okay to want in their
life mate. My simple answer is “Nothing is too much to ask for!”
In my opinion, that is a KEY component to ending up in a relationship
that will last a lifetime. Sure, plenty of women settle and end up
married. But need I remind you of the divorce rate? (Most reports have
it holding steady at 50% for first marriages, higher for second
marriages!) And that’s just what we see in the courts. Studies have
shown that of the remaining 40 (+/-) %, only 10% of those people would
call themselves happy! Yikes...those are disturbing statistics.
THE DANGERS OF SHORT-TERM FOCUS
After working with clients for many years, and studying relationship
issues forever, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s due in great part
to short-term thinking: “must have a man NOW”; “must get married SOON”;
“my clock is TICKING!”
The other “culprit” is the fact that many people choose the person they
plan to spend their life with not knowing who they really are, not fully
knowing what they want (those go hand-in-hand), and oftentimes not
feeling worthy of what they want anyway.
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS?
While I always recommend clients be clear about what their
“non-negotiable” qualities in a man are - and to not settle for less - I
do see women shooting themselves in the foot by having their bottom-line
“gotta haves” set so high there aren’t any men that would be likely to
meet them. I’ve noticed that when that’s true for a woman, oftentimes
what’s at play is either a deep fear of being successful (and this is a
way to keep men at a distance), or there’s a need for a man to be
responsible for things she’s not willing to handle for herself.
This ends up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy; a woman feels
unworthy, creates a situation where no man will “pass muster”, so she
ends up alone. And she gets to be right about not being able to have
what she longs for.
The cure for this is to be fully responsible for yourself and your own
fulfillment and happiness. Make choices that are aligned with who you
are and what you want in your life. You can’t drive east, looking for a
sunset!
Also, if there are any lurking negative attitudes and/or fears about
men, make sure you discover what they are, and work on removing them –
whether on your own, with a friend, with a coach or a therapist.
GIVE IT TIME
Once you’re clear that your requirements are right for you, and not some
type of barrier keeping men away, the next thing to do is spend enough
time with a man to know whether or not he’s got those qualities. DON’T
use chemistry as the criteria to decide whether or not a man makes the
cut. (At some point it’s important, but often it’s counterproductive in
the very beginning because it clouds judgment.)
Learn how to date productively; avoid lots of superficial chatter, or
spending so much time at the movies or concerts that there’s little
communication possible. Make your contacts with men count: every date,
call, email, you’ve either learned more about him, or shared something
about you.
BE WHAT YOU SEEK
You’re looking for a man to give you a lot, which is fine. Whatever it
is you want him to provide for you and your life together, keep in mind
that a man that has that much to offer is looking for his feminine
counterpart.
Once you have your list of “non-negotiables” figured out, a great
exercise to do is figure out where you stack up on that list. If you
notice that, on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re at a 0 with something, you’re
not likely to attract that in a mate. (Keep in mind the “Like attracts
like” principle.) If the quality you seek from him is that important to
you (which tells you it’s a value you hold dear), build yourself up in
that area.
YOU’RE BOTH HUMAN
And if you’re expecting any 10s from a man, you’re not giving him much
room to breathe. I think looking for 10 *moments*, and realizing most of
us hover around the mid- to high-mid number as a net score in most
qualities allows you to see him (and yourself) as human. It allows for
bad days (or weeks). It is a compassionate and accepting way to relate
to him, and to yourself, and makes you a better mate.
IN CONCLUSION
If you get clear about what you want, make sure you’re not either
pushing men away with unrealistic expectations, or looking to be saved
from yourself, and work to be the kind of woman a man wants, you’ll end
up happily married. It takes work, but it’s worth it!
Karen Jones is the founder of The Heart Matters – since 1997, a
relationship coaching and seminar company that’s been successfully
helping women have the relationship they’ve always dreamed of. To learn
how Karen can help you find the right man, please visit her website:
www.TheHeartMatters.com. To receive the complimentary monthly
newsletter, “Ask the Coach”, and also get the immediately downloadable
bonus gift “Three Things You Can Begin Doing Right Now to Dramatically
Improve Your Relationships with Men” please go to:
www.TheHeartMatters.com/Newsletter_Signup.htm.
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